I thought No. 1 was going to be 'Become An Actor'. Hilarious aye, but actors work real hard, so stop laughing! Nah they don't really, they just sit about in their trailers jacking off over the fruit bowl, then occasionally venturing outside on set, farting, which is then recorded, edited, a fart noise is added, sound track is added (more fart noises), the fart cloud is digitally enhanced using lasers fired from Uranus, then it's shown to a test audience who demand a happier ending where the fart noise becomes a trombone-like sound. So it's re-edited, the sound changed and then it's ready.

Then it's shown to some very important critics, without whom the Earth would not revolve around the Sun, who applaud the actor's skill in showing the depth and exact squelchy sound of someone passing wind. It's then shown in countries the world over, its very existence halts global warming, the meltdown of the economy and provides the whole world with clean water - then, finally, deservingly, they get an Oscar.

That's fact, I should know, as I once directed Gielgud on stage as Hamlet's sweat glands, it's was spectacular!

Anyway, like I said acting's not on the list, but plenty of other great career paths are. So go check it out and find out how to get rich, without having to work, just like an actor!

Chimps, they're our closest relatives and one's been president of the free world for the last 8 years, like Planet Of The Apes was a documentary or something. And now here's one riding a segway, and even though he could do with some practice, it can ride it better than Bush could, but that's no real surprise is it.

Watching that little chimp motor his way about got me thinking; they should race these chimps on those segways, like a simian version of Wacky Races, they could supe them up, pimp them out, whatever. Surely that's an entire semester's worth of Japanese game shows right there, and then some, knowing those Japanese. They could bring in some other primates, like gorillas, that'd be interesting, could have the Great Ape Segway Olympics with humans, chimps, gorillas and orangutans all fighting it out to be crowned the greatest of the great apes.

Somebody get Fox News on the phone, I've got an idea for them, they could run it as cutting edge investigative journalism...!